Tuesday, August 7, 2012

Dare to approve of yourself

I was talking to my Mom yesterday and I realized that I am still longing for her approval, for her love. I know she loves me and always has. But as a child I had this belief that my Mom loved my sister much more than she loved me. My sister was always doing everything better, she was more accurate and more thrifty and she liked to sew and I didn't and a lot of other small things which I now know that they are stupid, but when I was a little girl they were so important to me.What provoked this need for approval yesterday? I was telling something about myself, how I thought that my childhood games (I loved to play school) subconsciously influenced my choice of the University (I am a teacher by education) and still continue having this influence (I give private lesons of English). And her reply was - "well, you were not the only one who played school in childhod. I also did it, and became an accountant, not a teacher". And what I heard in those words was: "Well, don't think that you are that unique. You are just like every one else. Don't think too much of yourself".
So sometimes I still feel like a little girl who tries to show that she is special. she needs and deserves to be appriciated just for who she is and not be compared with everyone else. She wants to be loved for who she is. And I have to admit that sometimes I make choices only because I think it is what Mom would want, or because I know that this decision of mine would make her feel proud of me. And I don't actually know how to deal with this problem, with this feeling. I was trying to fight it, meaning that I would just block these thoughts whenever they came up - but that's not actaully helping me to make this feeling go away.  And I am also not comfortable talking about this with my Mom, because I don't blame her, that's just who she is and how she was taught and brought up. I can say to her please don't say this or that to me, but than wouldn't it mean that I am trying to suppress her true self? So probably the way out of this situation is to change my attitude to her words, to actually just hear only her words without trying to interprate them in my own way. That's what I will work on.
And the advice of the day is: Yours is the only Approval you need.

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